There is a saying that goes “tell me who you hang out with and I will tell you who you are” and it is true that the people around us can significantly influence our way of thinking and behaving. We do not choose our family, but we do choose our friends, and these choices can give us clues about our personality and priorities. It is not surprising that parents worry if they think their children are hanging out with ‘bad company’.
Delinquent activity almost always occurs outside the home and away from adult supervision, so it’s natural for parents to blame friends for their children’s bad behavior. Many parents, in fact, believe they can prevent future problems by limiting contact with suspicious friends. However, a new longitudinal study of high school students warns parents, especially controlling mothers, that avoiding or banning certain friendships can make matters worse.
The results of the study, published in The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, show that maternal disapproval of friendships in response to behavioural problems can damage a child’s social standing among peers, exacerbating the behavioural problems they were intended to prevent.
Making it difficult for the child to develop adequate social skills
Brett Laursen, co-author of the study and a professor of psychology at Florida Atlantic University, in collaboration with colleagues at Mykolas Romeris University in Lithuania, followed a sample of 292 boys and 270 girls (ages 9 to 14) over the course of one school year. The students completed surveys at the beginning, middle, and end of the year. At each stage, their social status (whether they were liked or not) and disruptive classroom behavior were assessed through peer nominations. In addition, the students self-reported their behavioral problems and perceived maternal disapproval of their friends.
The results of the study revealed that mothers’ attempts to intervene in problematic relationships by banning friendships had the opposite effect. Mothers who disapproved of their children’s friends unintentionally made the children’s behavior problems worse. In particular, by showing their disapproval, they damaged their children’s relationships with peers, leading to feelings of isolation and greater difficulties in social adjustment.
The study also looked at the different ways in which peers reacted to maternal interference. It found that peer disapproval not only reduced friendships, but also increased the likelihood that peers would actively reject the child.
“The importance of these findings is that they show how mothers’ disapproval of their peers can exacerbate behavioral problems because of the negative impact on the child’s social status,” said Laursen, of FAU’s Charles E. Schmidt College of Science.
By showing their disapproval, mothers damaged their children’s relationships with peers, leading to feelings of isolation and greater difficulties in social adjustment.
“Children may discuss these restrictions with their friends, or mothers may directly express their disapproval. In either case, such attitudes are rarely well received, which may lead friends to spread contempt in the peer group. As a result, social opportunities diminish, as no one wants to associate with someone considered unpopular.”
Researchers also suggest that in some cases, mothers do indeed succeed in breaking off a friendship. “Imagine a friendship ends because a mother forbids it. Now the child needs a new friend. Who would want to be friends with someone with a controlling mother? Friendship options are narrowed, and the child may end up being friends with someone equally rejected, often a peer with behavioral problems,” Laursen explained. “These children are often rejected precisely because of their behavioral problems, which increases the risk of bad influences.”
Ultimately, these friendships with problematic peers can put pressure on the child to adopt the disruptive behaviour that mothers were trying to avoid. In addition, the loss of social status can increase distress and hinder the development of appropriate social skills. “The best option for parents is to look for positive alternatives rather than forbidding friendships,” suggests Laursen. “It is key to maintain positive relationships with children, as affection and support can act as barriers to bad influences,” she concludes.
